Biggus Dickus

The Pilate’s Chamber Scene

(BRIAN is hauled into PILATE’S audience chamber. It is big and impressive,
although a certain amount of redecorating is underway. The CENTURION salutes.)

CENTURION
Hail Caesar.

PILATE
Hail Caesar.

CENTURION
Only one survivor, sir.

PILATE
Thwow him to the floor.

CENTURION
What sir?

PILATE
Thwow him to the floor.

CENTURION
Ah!
(He indicates to the two roman GUARDS who throw BRIAN to the ground.)

PILATE
Now, what is your name, Jew?

BRIAN
Brian.

PILATE
Bwian, eh?

BRIAN (trying to be helpful)
No, *BRIAN*.
(The CENTURION cuffs him.)

PILATE
The little wascal has spiwit.

CENTURION
Has what, sir?

PILATE
*SPIWIT*.

CENTURION
Yes, he did, sir.

PILATE
No, no, spiwit … bwavado … a touch of dewwing-do.

CENTURION (still not really understanding)
Ah. About eleven, sir.

PILATE (to BRIAN)
So you dare to waid us.

BRIAN (rising to his feet)
To what?

PILATE
Stwike him, centuwion, vewwy woughly.

CENTURION
And throw him to the floor, sir?

PILATE
What?

CENTURION
THWOW him to the floor again, sir?

PILATE
Oh yes. Thwow him to the floor.

(The CENTURION knocks BRIAN hard on the side of the head again and the TWO
GUARDS throw him to the floor.)

PILATE
Now, Jewish wapscallion.

BRIAN
I’m not Jewish … I’m a Roman!

PILATE
*WOMAN*?

BRIAN
No, *ROMAN*.
(But he’s not quick enough to avoid another blow from the CENTURION.)

PILATE
So, your father was a *WOMAN*. Who was he?

BRIAN (proudly)
He was a centurion in the Jerusalem Garrison.

PILATE
Oh. What was his name?

BRIAN
Nortius Maximus.
(An involuntary titter arises from the CENTURION.)

PILATE
Centuwion, do we have anyone of that name in the gawwison?

CENTURION
Well … no sir.

PILATE
You sound vewwy sure … have you checked?

CENTURION
Well … no sir … I think it’s a joke, sir … like … Sillius Soddus
or … Biggus Dickus.

PILATE
What’s so funny about Biggus Dickus?

CENTURION
Well … it’s a … joke name, sir.

PILATE
I have a vewwy gweat fwend in Wome called Biggus Dickus.
(Involuntary laughter from a nearby GUARD surprises PILATE.)

PILATE
Silence! What is all this insolence? You will find yourself in
gladiator school vewwy quickly with wotten behaviour like that.
(The GUARD tries to stop giggling. PILATE turns away from him. He is angry.)

BRIAN
Can I go now sir …
(The CENTURION strikes him.)

PILATE
Wait till Biggus hears of this!
(The GUARD immediately breaks up again. PILATE turns on him.)

PILATE
Wight! Centuwion … take him away.

CENTURION
Oh sir, he only …

PILATE
I want him fighting wabid wild animals within a week.

CENTURION
Yes, sir.
(He starts to drag out the wretched GUARD. BRIAN notices that little
attention is being paid to him.)

PILATE
I will not have my fwends widiculed by the common soldiewy.
(He walks slowly towards the other GUARDS.)

PILATE
Now … anyone else feel like a little giggle when I mention my fwend …
(He goes right up to one of the GUARDS.)
Biggus … Dickus. He has a wife you know.
(The GUARDS tense up.)
Called Incontinentia.
(The GUARDS relax.)
Incontinentia Buttocks!
(The GUARDS fall about laughing. BRIAN takes advantage of the chaos to slip
away.)

PILATE
Silence! I’ve had enough of this wowdy wabble webel behaviour. Stop it!
Call yourselves Pwaetonian guards. Silence!
(But the GUARDS are all hysterical by now. PILATE notices BRIAN escaping.)

PILATE
You cwowd of cwacking-up cweeps. Seize him! Blow your noses and seize
him! Oh my bum.

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